How to Raise a Feminist Son We raise our girls to fight stereotypes and pursue their dreams, but we

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react-text: 94 We’re now more likely to tell our daughters they can be anything they want to be — an astronaut and a mother, a tomboy and a girlie girl. But we don’t do the same for our sons. /react-text

react-text: 97 Even as we’ve given girls more choices for the roles they play, boys’ worlds are still confined, social scientists say. They’re discouraged from having interests that are considered feminine. They’re told to be tough at all costs, or else to tamp down their so-called boy energy. /react-text

react-text: 100 If we want to create an equitable society, one in which everyone can thrive, we need to also give boys more choices. As Gloria Steinem /react-text react-text: 102 says /react-text react-text: 104 , “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.” /react-text

react-text: 107 That’s because women’s roles can’t expand if men’s don’t, too. But it’s not just about women. Men are falling behind in school and work because we are not raising boys to succeed in the new, pink economy. Skills like cooperation, empathy and diligence — often considered to be feminine — are /react-text react-text: 109 increasingly valued /react-text react-text: 111 in modern-day work and school, and jobs that require these skills are the /react-text react-text: 113 fastest-growing /react-text react-text: 115 . /react-text react-text: 117 /react-text

react-text: 125 In her /react-text react-text: 127 new book /react-text react-text: 129 , Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the Nigerian-born author, gives /react-text react-text: 131 instructions /react-text react-text: 133 for raising a feminist daughter. But how can we raise feminist sons? /react-text

react-text: 136 I asked neuroscientists, economists, psychologists and others to answer that question, based on the latest research and data we have about gender. I defined feminist simply, as someone who believes in the full equality of men and women. Their advice applied broadly: to anyone who wants to raise children who are kind, confident and free to pursue their dreams. /react-text

react-text: 140 Let him cry

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react-text: 152 Boys and girls cry the same amount when they’re babies and toddlers, research shows. It’s around age 5 that boys get the message that anger is acceptable but that they’re not supposed to show other feelings, like vulnerability, said /react-text react-text: 154 Tony Porter /react-text react-text: 156 , co-founder of /react-text react-text: 158 A Call to Men /react-text react-text: 160 , an education and advocacy group. /react-text

react-text: 163 “Our daughters are allowed to be human beings, and our sons are taught to be robotic,” he said. “Teach him that he has a full range of emotions, to stop and say, ‘I’m not angry; I’m scared, or my feelings are hurt, or I need help.’” /react-text

react-text: 167 Give him role models

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react-text: 179 Boys are particularly responsive to spending time with role models, even more than girls, /react-text react-text: 181 research /react-text react-text: 183 shows. There is growing evidence that boys raised in households without a father figure fare worse in /react-text react-text: 185 behavior /react-text react-text: 187 , /react-text react-text: 189 academics and earnings /react-text react-text: 191 . One reason, /react-text react-text: 193 according to /react-text react-text: 195 the economists David Autor and Melanie Wasserman, is they do not see men taking on life’s responsibilities. “Put good men in the space of your son,” Mr. Porter said. /react-text

react-text: 198 Give them strong female role models, too. Talk about the achievements of women you know, and well-known women in sports, politics or media. Sons of single mothers usually have a lot of respect for their accomplishments, said /react-text react-text: 200 Tim King /react-text react-text: 202 , founder of Urban Prep Academies for low-income, African-American boys. He encourages them to see other women that way. /react-text

react-text: 206 Let him be himself /react-text

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react-text: 218 Even as adult gender roles have merged, children’s products have become more divided by gender than they were 50 years ago, /react-text react-text: 220 research has found /react-text react-text: 222 : pink princesses and blue trucks, not just in the toy aisle but on cups and toothbrushes. It’s no wonder that children’s interests end up aligning that way. /react-text react-text: 224 /react-text

react-text: 227 But neuroscientists say children aren’t born with those preferences. Until the mid-20th century, /react-text react-text: 229 pink was the boy color /react-text react-text: 231 and blue was for girls. In studies, infants have not been shown to have strong toy preferences. The difference, /react-text react-text: 233 according /react-text react-text: 235 to /react-text react-text: 237 researchers /react-text react-text: 239 , emerges at the same time that children become aware of their gender, around age 2 or 3, at which point societal expectations can override innate interests. Yet longitudinal studies suggest that toy segregation has long-term effects on gender gaps in academics, spatial skills and social skills, according to /react-text react-text: 241 Campbell Leaper /react-text react-text: 243 , chairman of the psychology department at the University of California, Santa Cruz. /react-text

react-text: 246 For children to reach their full potential, they need to follow their interests, traditional or not. So let them. The idea is not to assume that all children want to do the same things, but to make sure they’re not limited. /react-text

react-text: 249 Offer open-ended activities, like playing with blocks or clay, and encourage boys to try activities like dress-up or art class, even if they don’t seek them out, social scientists say. Call out stereotypes. (“It’s too bad that toy box shows all girls because I know boys also like to play with dollhouses.”) It could also improve the status of women. Researchers say the reason parents encourage daughters to play soccer or become doctors, but not sons to take ballet or become nurses, is that “feminine” equals /react-text react-text: 251 lower status /react-text react-text: 253 . /react-text

react-text: 262 Teach him to take care of himself

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react-text: 274 “Some mothers raise their daughters but love their sons,” said /react-text react-text: 276 Jawanza Kunjufu /react-text react-text: 278 , an author and lecturer on educating black boys. They make their daughters study, do chores and go to church, he said — but not their sons. /react-text

react-text: 281 The difference shows up in the data: American girls ages 10 to 17 spend two more hours on chores each week than boys do, and boys are 15 percent more likely to be paid for doing chores, /react-text react-text: 283 according to /react-text react-text: 285 a University of Michigan study. /react-text

react-text: 288 “Teach our sons to cook, clean and look after themselves — to be equally competent in the home as we would expect our daughters to be in the office,” said /react-text react-text: 290 Anne-Marie Slaughter /react-text react-text: 292 , chief executive of New America, a think tank. /react-text

react-text: 296 Teach him to take care of others /react-text

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react-text: 308 Women still do more of the caregiving — for children and for older people — and the housework, even when both parents work full time, /react-text react-text: 310 data show /react-text react-text: 312 . And caregiving jobs are the /react-text react-text: 314 fastest-growing /react-text react-text: 316 . So teach boys to care for others. /react-text react-text: 318 /react-text

react-text: 321 Talk about how men balance work and family, and how sons and not just daughters are expected to care for parents and relatives when they’re old, Ms. Slaughter said. Enlist boys’ help making soup for a sick friend or visiting a relative in the hospital. Give them responsibilities caring for pets and younger siblings. Encourage them to babysit, coach or tutor. One program brings /react-text react-text: 323 babies into elementary classrooms /react-text react-text: 325 , which has been /react-text react-text: 327 found /react-text react-text: 329 to increase empathy and decrease aggression. /react-text

react-text: 333 Share the work /react-text

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react-text: 345 When possible, resist gender roles in housework and child care among parents. Actions speak louder than words, said Dan Clawson, a sociologist at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst: “If the mother cooks the food and cleans the house and the father mows the lawn and is often gone from home, lessons are learned.” /react-text

react-text: 348 Also share some of the breadwinning. Men raised by mothers who worked for at least a year around the time their sons were teenagers were more likely to marry women who work, /react-text react-text: 350 one study /react-text react-text: 352 showed. /react-text react-text: 354 Another /react-text react-text: 356 found that sons of women who work for any amount of time before age 14 spend more time on housework and child care as adults. “Men who were raised by employed moms are significantly more egalitarian in their gender attitudes,” said /react-text react-text: 358 Kathleen McGinn /react-text react-text: 360 , a professor at Harvard Business School. /react-text

react-text: 364 Encourage friendships with girls /react-text

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react-text: 376 Research /react-text react-text: 378 at Arizona State University found that by the end of preschool, children start segregating by sex, and this reinforces gender stereotypes. But children who are encouraged to play with friends of the opposite sex /react-text react-text: 380 learn /react-text react-text: 382 better problem-solving and communication. /react-text

react-text: 385 “The more obvious it is that gender is being used to categorize groups or activities, the more likely it is that gender stereotypes and bias are reinforced,” said /react-text react-text: 387 Richard Fabes /react-text react-text: 389 , director of the university’s Sanford School, which /react-text react-text: 391 studies /react-text react-text: 393 gender and education. /react-text

react-text: 396 Organize coed birthday parties and sports teams for young children, so children don’t come to believe it’s acceptable to exclude a group on the basis of sex, said /react-text react-text: 398 Christia Brown /react-text react-text: 400 , a developmental psychologist at the University of Kentucky. Try not to differentiate in language, either: /react-text react-text: 402 One study /react-text react-text: 404 found that when preschool teachers said “boys and girls” instead of “children,” the students held more stereotypical beliefs about men’s and women’s roles and spent less time playing with one another. /react-text

react-text: 412 Boys who have friendships with girls are also less likely to think of women as sexual conquests, Mr. Porter said. /react-text

react-text: 416 Teach ‘no means no’

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react-text: 428 Other ways to teach respect and consent: Require children to ask before they touch one another’s bodies as early as preschool. Also, teach them the power of the word no — stop tickling them or wrestling with them when they say it. /react-text react-text: 430 /react-text

react-text: 433 Model healthy problem-solving at home. Children’s exposure to /react-text react-text: 435 divorce /react-text react-text: 437 or /react-text react-text: 439 abuse /react-text react-text: 441 has been linked to poor conflict resolution in future romantic relationships, said /react-text react-text: 443 W. Bradford Wilcox /react-text react-text: 445 , a sociologist and director of the /react-text react-text: 447 National Marriage Project /react-text react-text: 449 at the University of Virginia. /react-text

react-text: 453 Speak up when others are intolerant /react-text

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react-text: 465 Say something when you see teasing or harassment, and role-play with boys so they can intervene when they see it, Ms. Brown said. /react-text react-text: 467 /react-text

react-text: 470 Speak up when they’re inappropriate, too. “Boys will be boys” is not an excuse for bad behavior. Expect more of them. “Be vigilant in redirecting conduct which is demeaning, intolerant, disrespectful, offensive,” Mr. King said. /react-text

react-text: 474 Never use ‘girl’ as an insult

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react-text: 486 Don’t say — and don’t let your son say — that someone throws or runs like a girl, or use “sissy” or any of its more offensive synonyms. Same for sexist jokes. /react-text

react-text: 489 Be careful with subtler language, too. The research of /react-text react-text: 491 Emily Kane /react-text react-text: 493 , a sociologist at Bates College, shows that parents enforce traditional gender roles for sons mostly because they fear those sons will be teased. “We can all help by avoiding judgment, and avoiding small, everyday assumptions about what a kid will enjoy or be good at based on their gender,” she said. Boys who get teased could say, “No, anyone can play with beads,” or “I am not a girl, but do you think they’re worse than boys?” said Lise Eliot, a neuroscientist at Rosalind Franklin University. /react-text

react-text: 497 Read a lot, including about girls and women

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react-text: 509 You’ve probably heard that boys excel at science and math, and girls at language and reading. Stereotypes can become self-fulfilling. Mothers talk more with daughters than sons, according to /react-text react-text: 511 a meta-analysis /react-text react-text: 513 by Mr. Leaper. Fight the stereotype by talking to boys, reading to them and encouraging them to read. /react-text

react-text: 516 Read about a wide variety of people, and stories that break the mold, not just those about boys saving the world and girls needing to be saved. When a book or a news item fits that mold, talk about it: Why does the mother in the “ /react-text react-text: 518 Berenstain Bears /react-text react-text: 520 ” always wear a housecoat and rarely leave the house? Why does a news photograph show all white men? /react-text

react-text: 523 “That should start at 3, when they really pick up stereotypes and notice them,” Ms. Brown said. “If you don’t help them label them as stereotypes, they assume this is the way it is.” /react-text

react-text: 532 Celebrate boyhoo /react-text

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react-text: 544 Raising a son this way isn’t just about telling boys what not to do, or about erasing gender differences altogether. For instance, all male mammals engage in rough-and-tumble play, Ms. Eliot said. /react-text

react-text: 547 So roughhouse, crack jokes, watch sports, climb trees, build campfires. Teach boys to show strength — the strength to acknowledge their emotions. Teach them to provide for their families — by caring for them. Show them how to be tough — tough enough to stand up to intolerance. Give them confidence — to pursue whatever they’re passionate about.